By Stephanie Maughan
In our last post we talked about Invitation #1 in the area of, Understand. As we use the words ‘YES AND’ in place of the word ‘BUT’. By using our words carefully, we create an environment for greater understanding.
Invitation #2 in the area of Understand – Invites us to ask ourselves the questions “How can I help things go right?” This question originates from the Arbinger Institute.
My husband and I first came across this when we enrolled for a parenting course through Anasazi in Arizona. We later took this course a second time with some friends of ours because, it was so good.
A part of this training introduces the Parenting Pyramid. The shape of the triangle illustrates the various levels of importance in respect to the other areas that parents navigate. From the foundation working up to the top, these aspects are placed into the order in which they need to occur in a healthy parenting relationship.
If as a parent, you find that you are spending most of your time correcting your child this pyramid will reveal a major reason for this stress. Correction is at the top of the pyramid showing us that there are other steps we want to put in place before our corrections will have a positive effect.
Here is a picture of the Parenting Pyramid.
The key to navigating the triangle is to begin by establishing the foundation of healthy relationships. We will want to start from the bottom and work our way up. Then as we find difficulty at one layer, we will need to go to the layer below it and keep on going until we get to the area where we really need to improve first.
At the bottom of the triangle is our personal “way of being” this is the core of our intentions behind our actions. We learned that we do things in one of 2 ways. This is known as ‘Our Way of Being.’
One way of being is with a heart of war and the other is with a heart of peace. When we see others as an obstacle or an object we are seeing with a heart of war. When we see others as people we are seeing with a heart of peace..
As a life coach I took this learning model and found that it applies in other relationship areas as well. With this model we can apply the same key of thought to go the layer below in order to make lasting improvements in our relationships. With these diagrams and tools, we are again reminded of the importance of self-care and how it impacts all our relationships. In parenting we are reminded that our relationship with our spouse can result in the comfort of our children. When children see harmony with Mom and Dad it often results in a sense of security. These tools illustrate that our relationships are interconnected.
Another way utilizing the question, “How can I help things go right?” came to my attention was while I was working in the self-development industry. In my responsibilities, I would travel to multiple locations where the event would take place. As we arrived in each location, I had the opportunity to organize and train the volunteers who would then help to run our events. At the training I would ask each of them to silently ask themselves this question throughout the event.
With this question, thoughtful decisions were made. Individuals were encouraged to think about the result and the environment they would create for others. With this question, people chose a response over a reaction. The volunteers were more united as a team. They were selfless and thoughtful. It led to creating win/win scenarios.
Invitation #2 Ask “How do I help things go right?”
- Decide how long you will do it.
- Write down what you observe.
- Did it create more awareness or increase your understanding?
- Were more meaningful moments created?
Links:
The Arbinger Institute also have some great books available. Two of these books are entitled “Leadership and Self-Deception” and “the Anatomy of Peace.”. These books demonstrate the dynamics and intricacy of relationships in a story format. This allows the reader to discover his or her own truths in how we are showing up in our everyday relationships. Incorporating these truths into our real-life relationships is freeing. Here is a link if you are interested.
Anasazi Foundation https://www.anasazi.org/