As many of you are aware I am back in school to continue my efforts to learn as much as possible. I love how we are encouraged in this information age to be life long learners. From kindergarten to high school we take so many classes to help prepare us for the future, yet, I have found that there are two areas in which many of us could benefit. The first area, is relationships and the second area, is finances. With this in mind, I thought it would be helpful to continue the B-13 series with some parenting tips which can help us in almost any relationship so that we can continue to create a life that we love.
NEPEM stands for The National Extension Parent Education Model. This model includes the following areas:
- Care for Self
- Understand
- Guide
- Nurture
- Motivate
- Develop
- Advocate
B-13 Pracitces #1 through #4 have touched on the area of Care for Self. As we take time to journal we engage both hemispheres of the brain which helps to quiet the mind and increase our understanding of our own emotions because we see them clearly written on the paper. This leads us into the second area in the NEPEM Model, Understand.
I remember reading a book by Stephen Covey, called, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families” where he expresses the importance of seeking first to understand, before we seek to be understood. This was Habit #5. In parenting or any relationship, it is helpful to remember that we see thing from different perspectives. Covey, said it like this, “People do not see the world as it is; they see it as they are – or as they have been conditioned to be.”
Have you ever experienced an argument with someone where you come to realize that you were both saying the same thing, just differently? Or, have you experienced a time when you were in an argument, where you were certain that you were absolutely right, only to discover later that there was a way to look at it you could have never imagined? I watched an example of this process unfold in the movie “Anna and the King.” Jody Foster. playing Anna, sides on feelings of a new concubine named Tuptim, only to discover that she has compromised the position of the King and made matters worse. This segment in the movie has been an important reminder for me in seeking to understand others.
What happens when we put the understanding of another first? Does that translate to mean that we agree with them? Does that mean that our opinion is not as important?
In my travels for work, I found it interesting to take notice of the individuals sitting next to on the airplane. One day, I sat next to a gentlemen by the name of Vince Gowmon. I asked Vince, what he did for an occupation. He shared with me, that he was a trainer. His purpose was to inspire adults in ways to teach children through creativity and play. I then asked him if he would be willing to share one insight with me.
He gave me an example of a conversation between an adult with a little girl. It went something like this, The adult says to the child, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” to which the little girl says, “A princess.” the adult then says, “But, what do you really want to do when you grow up?
He pointed out that when the word ‘BUT’ is spoken, it crushes the creativity and stops the child from exploring the possibilities. He then used a similar example where the adult says, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and the little girl says, “A princess.” The adult then says, “Yes and when you are a princess what will you do?” to which the little girl proceeds to share ” then I will help other people who are sad.”
Often as adults we feel that we need to make sure the real world doesn’t crush our kids, so we beat the world and do first ourselves. By using the words ‘YES AND’ we are not agreeing that the occupation of a princess is a practical job that anyone can do, rather we are acknowledging that we have heard, we understand, and we allow for self discover with great questions.
Invitation #1 in the area of, Understand – Use the words ‘YES AND’ in place of the word ‘BUT’. This is one way we will seek to understand and help others to understand themselves even better in the process.
References
(Smith, Cudaback, Goddard, and Myers-Walls, 1994) The National Extension Parent Education Model https://cyfar.org/sites/default/files/cyfar_research_docs/National%20Extension%20Parenting%20educators%20framework.pdf
Covey S. R. (1997). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. NewYork, NY: Franklin Covey Company.
(V,Gowmon personal communication, Date unknown) Link for Website: https://www.vincegowmon.com/